Much Is Given
Why me?? This was the question I asked myself (or better yet asked God) when I finally acknowledged & accepted my diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder. Now mind you, I had received the diagnosis about 8-10 years prior to this date. I had heard that until I dealt with my illness, I would continue to have problems. Of course, when you are 20 years old, you know everything & can conquer anything that comes your way. Ummmm, NOT!!!
With each episode that I have had, when I get closer to stability, I am always ask why do I go through this? Why am I the one who has these issues? And why am I the one who has to be the burden to the family? After this episode before last, I asked again. This time I got on my knees and asked Him why. I got no answers and actually felt like He wasn’t hearing me at all and actually I more felt like He was ignoring me. Now, here we are . . . another episode and God still hasn’t answered my question.
As I laid in bed the day after my discharge from the hospital trying to get my bearings and hoping that I could reach the road to stability a little bit sooner than before, I heard His revelation to me. “To whom much is given.” Why in the world would that be His answer to me. I haven’t received ‘much’ but more than not, I’ve gotten ‘less than less’ in my mind. Here I am, suspended from work without pay, living with my parents, struggling with my mental health, single with no prospects, not sure of what’s coming my way next and a nervous wreck about it all and The Lord says “To whom much is given” . What have I been given?
Instead of laying there and lying in self pity, I got up and started journaling and writing about what I’ve been given.
To whom much is given:
- Life: Just being able to see the blessing of each day is a humongous gift. I am able to see good, bad or indifferent with each day. And the best part about the blessing of the day is that no day is ever the same. Yes, I may repeat a lot of routines (get up, get dressed, go to school (work), cook dinner, etc.) but the truth of the matter, no matter how many times I repeat a routine, it is never the same day.
- Love: The love of my family and friends is tremendous. My daughter is by far one of the best huggers that I know (and anyone who knows her, can attest to this). She loves you from the core of her being. Ever since she was about 2 years old I realized that she gives some of the biggest, bestus bear hugs possible. And I started telling her that no one loves me like she does. And I mean it. My son on the other hand gives crappy hugs but has the biggest most givingest smiles that just lights up your world. He doesn’t share that smile often but when he does, I know his heart is glowing. These are just two of the expressions of love that my life has been blessed with. What a gift. — Thank you Lord.
- Laughter: Even though times are hard for me now, I still have the gift of laughter. I am sitting here typing this now & thinking about the last time I had a good hearty laugh. And guess what, it was yesterday with my best friend. I don’t have much in the way of tangible things but the intangible gifts of life are wonderful.
- Knowledge: I’ve been given the gift of gaining knowledge. I’m able to obtain knowledge from all things around me. I am well educated in book and common sense. Acknowledging and accepting my diagnosis, I have used this time as a catalyst to gain knowledge about the illness and how what I can do to help others. Learning that advocating for others can help my growth and stability.
- Strength: Yes, even with a mental illness I am strong. I am still strong. I have pushed through illnesses, layoffs, a divorce, loss of friendships, deaths of loved ones, sexual assault, miscarriages and other things that could take someone else completely out. I am able to show strength to others and help them make their way through.
Once, I looked at what I was given. I understood what the scripture was referring to. I realized that it wasn’t about tangible, financial things but about the simple things that God has granted us. We are required to give in service to others. The Word tells us more times that I can count that service, love & justice is what is required of us for His gift of life. It doesn’t count or matter about the tangible things that we obtain. It’s about service, love & justice that we must give. And the more He provides, the more we are to give.
I will no longer ask “Why me?” Instead, I will say “Thank you” for I now understand that this gift is from Him and is to be used to teach/reach/help someone who needs it.
But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required. Luke 12:48 (NLT)